(Reposted from December 2013) A year ago this past August, I created a blog called “Messy House of Joy” and I wrote only one post which you can read here. It was exactly 10 days after my miscarriage….and my life was a complete mess. In July 2012, I had finally weaned 14-month old Jack and the next day, I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant. ::deep breath::
I was embarrassed to admit that I was unhappy. Most married women rejoice when they find out they’re pregnant. But for me, my body had not been my own since Sept 2010! I wanted caffeine!! Not to mention, dealing with a 1 year old, I had told my Mops bible study that I was going to wait 3 years before getting pregnant again because I couldn’t imagine having another child when Jack was so young! HA! It took prayer, telling our friends and family and thinking about the future, but I finally started to be okay with the idea of another baby. Then, less than one month later, at 12 weeks, there was no heartbeat.
I felt cheated. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Depressed. Hopeless. I didn’t understand why my God who had brought me out of the wilderness to the top of my mountain would allow such great winds to knock me down again. First, falling down the slope with a baby I hadn’t planned. This is not what I wanted God! We don’t have the space. I’m almost to my goal weight! We’re living paycheck to paycheck! Then, back up my mountain, I finally found my footing, realizing that God had created the life within me. We can do this. Phil 4:13. I remember clinging to that verse the same way I did when I hiked up Mt. Sinai in June 2009. But in the blink of an eye, on Tuesday, August 14th, I fell again….this time further down my mountain….
Why? Why would you do this? I don’t understand. Why, create this pregnancy, only to take it away from me? Why?
I remember feeling hollow the night before my ultrasound. I couldn’t sleep. I tried every position. Every soft space in our apartment. But the next morning, in the moment the tech looked at me with sadness in her eyes, that hollowed space was filled with death.
Writing about this loss even a year and a half later, it still hurts and brings tears to my eyes. My sweet child, somewhere in heaven clinging to the Perfect Father. But….that’s not where my story ends….God has brought redemption is many areas of my sin-filled past but this experience alone changed the way I relate to my Lord.
You see, until that day, I was afraid of death. In 2007, during my first semester of seminary, my daddy was killed in a car accident. As someone embarking on a journey of investigating/criticizing/developing my faith, my dad’s death took me deep into a valley where I could only see the sunsets of God’s peace but never the full glow of His sunrise. I kept to myself in the shadows praying for rays of light but it wasn’t until I had Jack in my arms that I felt the warmth of the Son.
Jack, for me, was God’s goodness. He could do no wrong. He was my idol. And time and time again, at bible study, I was so fearful that something would happen to him. I prayed fearfully that God wouldn’t take him away from me. So when I was faced with the tech’s empty gaze as she told me there was no heartbeat, I was done. There was nothing else to be afraid of because it had finally happened. I’d lost a child. The thing I should mention is that the absence of fear is not the presence of joy. I felt emotionless and after the D&C, I felt empty. I was back in the valley that I’d only escaped 14 months prior in the same hospital holding an 8lb jaundiced newborn named Jack.
But here’s the thing about valleys, somewhere in the plains, there are green pastures, still waters and pathways back up the hill as David described in Pslam 23. Without the tumble down my mountain, I wouldn’t have had the chance to catch my breath and allow God to lead me out of the valley of the shadow of death. I lived through it. And I think losing my sweet angel has given me the courage to have the peace that Paul talks about in Philippians 4:7…the kind that transcends understanding.
As I journey down a new path, relying on God’s faithfulness in Tristan’s health issues, I am calm. People think I’m either lying or crazy, but I’m not afraid. Yes, if something horrible happened, I would be devastated. But I know that God loves my babies 100x more than I do. And if I ever fell down into the valley again, God would be there holding out his hand…ready to embrace me, shield me from the wind and lead me back to His path.
If you’re able, watch this youtube lyrics video for MercyMe’s “The Hurt & The Healer.” The lyrics below are what led me to the light in the darkest of valleys. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide