The battle of Self.

the battle of self

What is it about Self that she tries to outdo Spirit? She is constantly trying to do, make, create and invent her worth. If only I did this, all would be well. If I tried this, it would work. Poor little Self. She just doesn’t understand.

She knows better. Yet she finds herself getting lost in the whirlwind of trying to do it all on her own. Darkness tells her she’s not enough.

What is Self without Spirit?? Lonely. Imperfect. Discontent. Dark.

The darkness is conniving. It doesn’t take over all at once. It creeps in. A shadow here. A broken light bulb there. Too lazy to fix this, Self walks on broken glass. Ouch. I’m hurting. Where is Spirit when I need him? Why am I alone?

Darkness shades the truth. Self is not really alone. Spirit is there but she cannot see him through the walls that she has built up. I’m scared, Spirit. Where are you? I need you.

Spirit comes in like a rushing wind. His light shines so bright, Self has to step back. She’s scared. The darkness that has surrounded her shutters in fear. Spirit’s power is stronger than it. Darkness grabs hold of Self. It’s not going to be an easy fight.

It’s too brightDarkness lies. Self’s natural instinct is to look away but she can’t. She’s drawn to the light. She reaches out for Spirit but Darkness pulls her under. You will fail. You’re not good enough. Spirit doesn’t truly love you.

No. He does love me. He thinks I’m beautiful. Spirit grabs her body as Self pulls the darkness off of her. She’s left with wounds. Her little body is marked as if it had been bound. Spirit holds her in his arms. She’ll be okay.

You are exceptional. You are amazing. You are beautiful. Spirit tells her. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let the darkness take over your light. 

I’m sorry. Self hangs her head. Embarrassed, she scolds herself for letting it happen again. She’ll never be as good as Spirit. Darkness sees a crack in the fortress.

STOP! Spirit yells. It’s not about being good enough. Self, you can’t do it on your own. Stop trying. 

But I have to, Self thinks, If I’m not my best Self. What am I? 

ForgivenSpirit sighs. You’re forgiven. You’re loved. You’re the beautiful mess I created you to be. 

But I’m scared. Self hangs her head. Admitting I’m not perfect leaves me exposed. Naked. Vulnerable. I don’t want the light. I want to stay in the dark. She looks over her shoulder to the darkness behind her. It’s not a safe place but it’s comfortable. It hurts but she’s used to the pain. It’s livable.

Well, you need to decide. Go back to the darkness. Peel back your scabs and let your wounds get infected. Or walk forward with me and let me heal you. But to take care of you, I have to see your wounds. You have to be exposed. You have to be vulnerable. It’s the only way you’ll heal. 

Self looked around her. What should she do? Which way should she go?

Don’t look to the right or to the left. Keep your eyes on Me. You’ll be okay. I am stronger than every fear you have. I am Healer. I am Lover. I am your Warrior. 

Self felt scared. But she trusted Spirit. Something about him made her feel safe. I will do it. But you can’t let go. 

I will never let go, my sweet Self. You are protected.

Self walked into the light. Her wounds exposed yet she didn’t feel naked. The warmth of Spirit shielded her. She was safe. She was home. 

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