2015… It’s crazy to think I haven’t published an official post for 2 years (almost to the date). But after re-reading my last official post (and living out the last two years), I see now that I had a lot of work to do. Growing. Healing (in more ways than one)…
You see, my last post was published on August 18th, 2015. I hit the “submit” button sitting in my recliner with a sprained ankle I got from mowing downhill in my backyard. Little did I know, I would fall (again) 2 days after this post and break my wrist. And a week after that, I fell AGAIN at church and broke my (other) foot! Geez Louise, Becky! My friends joked that they would have to wrap me in bubble wrap!
At that time, I had 4 year old, Jack, and 2 year old, Tristan. I tried to press on with vlogging since I could no longer type with a cast on my right arm but eventually, I stopped. So what happened in those 2 years?! Well, I plan to detail what I’ve learned in future posts but for now, let’s go with a brief update:
PHYSICAL: Well, after the injuries, I found out I have osteopenia (fancy word for bone loss) and in the recent months, I have learned that I have the beginning stages of Hashimotos. I’ve gone gluten-free and I feel amazing. I never thought I would ever utter those words in my diet: gluten-free. But I’ve managed to sustain over a month of my new lifestyle and I like how I feel now more than I felt then. #drasticdifference
EMOTIONAL: It’s been a bit of a journey these last few years. But not one, I’ve traveled alone. There were friendships that I lost in 2015 that hit me really hard. The enemy pounced on the opportunity to whisper rejection/abandonment/anger in my ears but God redeemed what was lost ten-fold. I no longer regret giving pieces of my heart to those women because God used those relationships to help me grow into the woman I am today and I can’t lament that. (What’s that verse in Ecclesiastes about seasons?!)
Now. I say that today, in 2017, but in my darkest moments of the last two years, I beat myself up for not being perfect. Blaming myself for their rejection. I remember the day in Spring 2016 when I made the conscious choice to embrace legalism. I was so tired of trying to figure out why I wasn’t good enough, I decided to go along with the “fake it til you make it” mentality. It wasn’t until it all came crashing down last August (one year ago), that I accepted my imperfection and got off the hamster wheel.
MENTAL: Grammie (my mentor of 10 years now) has always preached John 8:32 “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” In Aug 2016, I started to pray this verse as a petition to God. I couldn’t take it anymore. Living through six months of legalism was enough to drive this mama crazy. I wanted out. Lay it on me. Just tell me the truth. What do I need to do or fix to make it better?!
Enter Dana, my therapist. What an amazing woman of God…
As Dana and I reach our year-anniversary of counseling sessions, I owe a lot to her as my sounding board and truth-teller. She helped me sort out feelings of fear, rejection, people pleasing and lack of self-worth. I went into our first session with a typed document of everything I wanted to work on in order of importance. “Let’s tackle this first. We’ll get to the harder stuff later.” And that, we did.
My petition to God was answered. He helped me see the truth. And that was that I didn’t need to say/do/fix anything except my own surrender to his sovereignty. I am not healer. I am not the rescuer. It is not up to me to fix myself or others. #GodsMicDrop
SPIRITUAL: There are spiritual aspects weaved in and out of the top paragraphs but my biggest takeaway from the last two years is that I needed to go through it all.
I had to fall to the depths of despair to reignite my prayer life. I had to lose friendships to humble who I am around others. I had to lose all control in order to gain the understanding that I was never in control in the first place.
Like my 3 random injuries in August 2015, I had to break in order to heal. And it hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, friends. I’m still learning. Growing. Healing. And my time with Dana is not over yet. We are finally to the the hard stuff towards the bottom of the list.
So what do I do now? Well, I’m back. And I will be here. And my passion to love, encourage and support others is deeper than ever. I’m not the rescuer. But, I can point you to the One who is.
So make your list. What do you want to work on? Don’t let the enemy isolate you in a corner of fear or rejection. Don’t settle for a life of “faking it”. You (and I) deserve so much better. We’re on this journey together, my friend. Here’s to the next step.